Transformations to the Core

It's been many moons since I've posted. So much to say, the death of my father, the end of my marriage, moved myself and my art studio into a new beautiful space up in the woods on top of the Oakland Hills, with lots of joy and lots of sadness.

And leaving my girls... the end of a phase of being their dad and the birth of anew which at this moment isn't quite solidified. The girls, 15 & almost 18 are already moving out of the house. The oldest is off to college and the youngest wants to be a foreign exchange student next year for an entire school year. They are 20 minutes away and the plan is to spend Weds. night there for dinner and Sunday afternoon and evening.

Their mom and I split on excellent terms. We'd been doing therapy most of our 25 years of being together and as someone else said "there's not much more for us to work on." In the realm of divorce I suspect we are in the 1% who have worked it really well, gone 110% to own our own stuff, to be responsible for our own happiness, to respect and communicate with integrity and honesty. No lies, secrets, or affairs. We just finally understood together, we'd all be in conversation about it, the girls even said, "if you guys are staying together just for us, that's not a good idea." We let go of what didn't work and keep what does.

Still, lots O sadness for the broken illusions of the happy family together, and learning my new way of being a dad. I thought I'd post a piece I wrote for my Facebook family, so they would all know and not wonder.

The Marriage Boat

by Mark Wagner

It’s not that our boat sunk, it’s more like it drifted to shore, we both got out, looked around, looked at each other, nodded in understanding, and went in different directions.

My wife and I were together for 24 years, we met on June 9^th, 1988 and seven years later to the day our first of 2 daughters was born. I knew then that we were supposed to be together, that it was that cosmic. Up until then I had my wonderings, we both did. Even early on there were red flags, we were not qualified to be in long term relationships, and through the storms, disappointments, and broken promises, we still forged a long-term deep friendship.

I’m writing this for my personal clarity but also to share with my extended community (the brilliance of Facebook) with honesty and a desire to stay connected to the greater whole. My Facebook community is international, mostly artists, and instead of just moving into a new studio and sharing photos and not saying anything and having people wonder, I felt out of respect of the truth it would be good to share the journey, and it’s been a good one. My wife has a writing class – it’s called Telling True Stories, this is my true story.

When we first got married a friend looked at our astrology chart and said two things, first… neither of us had air in our individual charts but our combined chart was full of air and we’d do good at communicating. The second was that we weren’t here for each other in this lifetime; we were here for the world together. It took me many years to fully understand this; the best way to see was not looking into my partner’s eyes but looking somewhere else together. Road trips were perfect, driving for hours @ 70 mph, through the deserts, talking, telling the real truth, asking good questions, looking in the same direction, down the road, together.

We’ve been in therapy for most of our relationship, that’s one of the main reasons we are parting on such good terms, amazing actually…real friends, we are still connected to our girls, to the house my they live in and I will visit often, to our friends, family, and community. We’ve done such great work on ourselves and with each other that there isn’t much more to work on. It’s like we are from different tribes, not the Jewish and Christian thing, or the Mars Venus thing.

I remember getting some Tibetan prayer flags where on each flag was a different symbol, it was said that these flags were to tell spirit that there were different tribes living in the same house, and it invited spirit to bless the natural discourse that was under the same roof. Or being a visual artist (I call it at times being preverbal), being a feeling image-based person who married an intellectual word-based person. And there is lots of overlap, we both write, make art, teach, make music, very involved in community and parenting – but we often did these things separately, my wife called it parallel play.

Over the years of therapy I learned about individuating, I learned to take my partner out of the equation for my happiness. I learned to listen, to speak, to redo, to take timeouts, to not argue when someone was triggered and angry, to set up a time and space to communicate deeper things, to not take things personally, and to say I am sorry. Someone said that the 2 words that all couples should often say is – “I’m sorry.” 

Sex and Money, the two great common things that all couples deal with in one way or another, we did. In the long run it’s what we choose to leave behind, what wasn’t working. We are keeping what was working which is our friendship, family, and community. We didn’t damage our relationship, no lies or affairs, we actually spoke super honestly to each other and to our friends. We just slowly kept waking up, becoming more conscious, being more empowered to see and understand and then one day we knew we were ready and able to move in different ways (this knowing took place on a recent 70 mph drive to LA).

Our lives and careers and physical bodies over time became separate and unconnected, it was the girls that really kept us together. And we were creative and buff in therapy and had excellent communications skills to work around most obstacles. The girls knew, they weren’t kids anymore, they even asked why we were still together, if it was for them that wasn’t a great idea.

I’m calling our divorce “expanding our base.” I am now moved out, found an amazing place which is mostly an art studio connected to a great house with a musician roommate with a perfect back cottage bedroom on top of the Oakland hills. There is still a good feeling of being connected, and it’s also awkward with the details of separating one’s life from a 22-year marriage, and sad… a death to a dream.

The karma has worked itself through, there is more to learn but this chapter of the book is written and illustrated well. We’ve gone the distance, put in well over 100% to really know and understand and learn. I give us both gold stars and send blessings for all involved, our girls, friends, family, and community. It’s a huge success story and a good one, and now it’s morphed into other forms and the Universe wants us to experience joy.

I know many marriages that are working, are being worked, that have a huge amount of integrity and yes they are still work. I also know marriages that are broken, not healthy, where there is suffering and many missed communications. The institution of marriage is loaded with land mines, outdated systems, old beliefs, childhood social dreams of living happily ever after, deep religious roots… it’s amazing and weird really, trying to navigate one’s own truth and then be in relationship to someone else’s truth – it’s an epic journey of the heart and spirit.

I am so grateful for the experience I have had, I’ve been with a partner who was willing to do the work, personal, and together, and I know my family is still intact, the bonds are still there, and I feel blessed with this new phase of my life. Over the last few months as this was all going down, we’d spoon at night in bed and talk about divorce during the day. There is still lots of Big Love here which will stay. I sense by taking care of ourselves this way of being big enough to part our ways that there is even more care and compassion for each other, we really want each other to have an amazing life that together we just weren’t able to create together, and we did try.

On land now, the boat drifts away, free to float down stream, my new journey is here now, in front of me, all around me, into the great mystery of life. A blessing to all of our hearts and souls – especially to the one’s who suffer now.

Namaste,
~M

My Book: The Art of Being a Dad

excellent on an ipad!

Magic Tears of Teens

Tear from teens, both of them. One because I awkwardly talked about eating what good for one's body - feelings got triggered, I felt terrible and got quiet. Luckily my wife jumped in and worked her magic. Yesterday the other teen got sideswiped by some of her girlfriends at school and came home in tears. Luckily again her mom jumped in and worked her supportive magic.

I drove both girls to school today, different trips, different schools. And I worked my magic, talked, apologized, strategized, made the effort to connect and for them to know I was here, showing up, falling down, getting up, but always being here for them, with them, having their backs in many ways, even if at times it doesn't look like it.

~Dad

iBook - The Art of Being a Dad $4.99

Oh I am so psyched. I just found out that my dad book can be sold as an iBook for the iPad, iPhone, iTouch. And for a whopping $3.99 - it looks great on the iPad!

www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/2238766

Birthday Paintings

Each birthday, for both of my girls (now teens), I create a small painting from their request. This is a 2 hour painting that I was working on at the strike of midnight New Years Eve - loved that I was painting at midnight and it wasn't until 1/2 hour later that I even noticed that 2012 was here.

~Dad

I've been thinking my dad book is too expensive as a on-demand book @ Blurb. I'm looking into electroncially publishing it through Kindle at Amazon - that's exciting! Stay tuned - buy a book!

~Mark

www.theartofbeingadad.com

Put it in front of them

Many years ago the kid's art looked like this. I just love little kid's art, it's so alive, rich, interesting. I'd tell them to tell me what it's about, and I'd sit there for a LONG time listening to the entire epic story.

Now a days, the teens are scattered about and there are sometimes when a day or two goes by and I don't even see then. The other day my daughter and her friend were sitting at the kitchen table just talking and hanging out. I simple put colored pastels and black paper in front of them, didn't say a word, and walked away. I knew they both liked art and they went at it for awhile which was great.

Note above photo: the new grey BOY kitty!

And my other boy - beginning to be an old man. Us guys have to stick together, lots O women and hormones in the house. That energy alone is an entire blog to deal with, understand, appreciate (sometimes from a far), and love.

~MW dad

 from the book: The Art of Being a Dad (the first seven years)

Make It With Her, Not For Her (or at least try)

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She didn't like her old bed, which actually new, heavy, and had black pull out drawers underneath the matress. So she and her mom posted the bed on Craigslist and finally off it went. Now she wanted a loft bed. The ones at Ikea weren't great SO I thought it would be good idea to build one, of course with expert help from a best friend, a man on my men's team, who is a contractor/builder.

My daughter Z came up with the drawing, which I thought was great (wonder if I can find that drawing to post). My buddy G  took some measurements and gave me the lumber list; plywood, 4 x 4, 2 x 4, 2 x 6, and shelf materials. Z was out of town for 2 weeks at summer camp and the idea was that when she got home the bed would be done. Well... as I was beginning to sand and prime the wood, I realized that I "didn't want to make it for her, I wanted to make it with her," you know, do the dad thing, bond over showing her how to works with tools and wood. It was a great idea to me.

She was game in the beginning. Electric sander, paint, we did get into trouble when I (and I am the professional artist!!!) got the oil and acrylic paints mixed up...I know, I know. The next day of painting started out well but the energy turned. Z has always been creative and a good sport around art but something snagged her when she was painting designs on one of the book shelves and she went down. She got critical of herself and what she had done that nothing I could say would help. She left and went inside for the rest of the day.

Next day our energy was off again. I wanted and needed her help (remember my idea that we do this together - bonding experience) and she... seemed to have no energy to the point that she ended up most the day on the couch reading and sleeping and not to be involved. So thanks to G, we got most of the wood cut and the bed put together on the side deck. I painted it some more that evening and the next day we took it apart and reassembled it upstairs and Z did help again in the end.

And wa-la, a loft bed for a new 7th grader!
Love, Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com

 The Art of Being a Dad is a highly illustrated and colorfully creative collaboration between a dad and his two small kids. It is also one man's journey as he navigates the colliding worlds of babies and career, co-parenting and being a man, and the awe, beauty and exhaustion of Being a Dad. The book is 120 pages and includes a Toolbox: 130 tips, tools and tricks of the trade for helping dads take care of their kids as well as themselves. Mark Wagner is unique, not because he has equally helped in raising two small kids, but because he is a freelance artist, and when he became a dad he was curious, observant, jotted down notes and insights, took photographs, created drawings and made art with his kids. 

Book on Sale @  

www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/849889 

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Like a Robot Malfunctioning...

Her roomed looked the same as it had an hour ago, piles of cloths everywhere, tables and dressers covered, a suitcase being packed for 2 weeks of summer camp. I'd been reminding her to clean her room before she leaves the next day. "What have you been doing, you room looks the same as it did an hour ago?" I said. "Oh my whites are still in the laundry and I have this thing about not being able to clean up until I finish packing," she said.

My inner circuits went on the glitch... if you where here now I could make the sound and show you how my eyes bugged out and my head twitched like a robot malfunctioning. I needed to leave the scene... I gotta get out of here > NOW~! Everything about what she and her younger sister were doing went against my very nature as a man and a once teenage boy. I know we (guys) get obsessed over other things, but spending a great deal of time and energy on what to wear on each day, doing several loads of wash, packing, repacking, checking the lists is.... not my thing.

One thing I have noticed that I think is really interesting is that girls getting dressed up is really for other girls and not so much for guys. Sure guys are up there on the list, but it's a chic world for them. Check who is really checking each other out, who appreciate and even acknowledges the way they have changed their hair, their new skinny jeans that kinda look like all the other ones they have. It's the other girls.

When I take my space and unplug from the scene then I get it, it's a girl thing, a teenage girl thing and I can relax. I can appreciate who they are and what they are doing and let them be. I can even enjoy it, glad it's not me, even feel sad... for them that so much of their time and energy goes into this direction when it's been said that if women could put some of that time and energy they put into being in front of the mirror the world would be a better and different place.

And I feel sad that I can' really personally relate to it and miss having them do things with me that I like to do like play video games, watch sports, go hunting and kill things, read the paper, drink beer - ha..... just kidding, got you didn't I? But think about it, a teenage boy (we call them young men and women) is obsessed also probably about the same degree into other things. Let's see, I was into getting outside and exploring nature, minibikes, sandlot football, girls, and eventually art.

The girls had slept in on this day. We just got back from a vacation in Hawaii which is different time zone. When the younger one got up after noon it was around 9am Hawaii time. When I went to check in on the older one she was still in bed on Facebook. "Hey.... you are still in bed, you haven't been outside at all today, get up and off Facebook, it's 4pm."She thought I was joking about the time until she looked.

She never did get outside, and her room never got cleaned up, she said she'd do it next morning before she left, like that ever happened.

The younger one had to get outside because her house chores are to wash the cars and she had 2 to do. We recently traded this chore because she refused to do any gardening because she has an ungodly afraid of spiders. Whose kid is she anyway? The world is full of spiders. I tell her that they are her "power animals, her teachers of fear," she hates when I do that! That night she came down twice not able to get to sleep. She was so tired and anxious about camp that she just couldn't let go and it was getting to her. I hung with her twice, the second time rubbing her feet I pulled on a toe that was.... unknown to me recently jammed and it now hurt her more than it did before. She started to cry, and I knew that was the best thing she could do, let it go, just release it, everything that a young girl cries about, all the known and unknown things the world has to offer. She asked me to stay until she fell asleep, I said yes, and did.

I feel for these young people, connected instantly to friends but in short sentences and words, separated by the digital, unconnected to nature, and to parts of themselves. But I am sure my parents thought the same way about me, about my piers, maybe too much TV and stuff? Well, I send all the young people blessings, I bless you all!

~Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com
self published Art & Dad book, first seven years
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Afraid

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Afraid
to post

being a dad of girls
of basically two teenage
GIRLS
is .....
poetry
or silence.

~dad

www.artofbeingadad.com
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Their Faces Each Lite Up By Their Phones

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The 3 teenager girls in high heels and fancy dresses sat in the back of my dark truck, their faces each lite up by their phones. It was 10:30 at night. I was driving them home from their first homecoming dance as 9th graders. My daughter sat in the front seat beside me. I unfortunately had to leave my dog home in bed with my wife after I got the call to come pick the girls, and after we hit the pause button on the laptop watching Weeds.

All day long there were teenage girls here at the house, it actually started Friday night for the first sleep over. No wait... it started around 3pm when I picked RG up and took her to get her hair recolored back to her original color, closer to blond (which didn't really work and cost too much - oh well).


Hum... I am embarrassed to say that I blew it, I dropped the ball, totally forgot that I was suppose to pick up another kid, not mine, at another school at take her home. Crap, my younger kid is in a play (two plays), I wasn't suppose to pick her up until 6:30, with a burrito in hand and take her to another play practice and then pick her up at 9:30 and bring her home - big day yes we all know. But I totally forgot about another kid, sorry!

So yesterday was filled with teenage girls, a very messy room that I asked more than once to be cleaned up, bed made, never happened. I let it go. I did make them clean up the kitchen and living room for mom (the wife) who was in one of those "everything is a mess" modes and we all know to take note and make sure it's clean before she comes home again to keep away from the wrath of menopause.

I told the teens to "get outside, it's a beautiful day" more than once, that didn't happen so I let that go too. They stayed inside all day long and did their girl stuff. I on the other hand go out into the yard and did some of my favorite things - getting dirty in the yard and work with my hands. I laid the outer ring of bricks around our fire pit. And then I took off to explore the base (decomissioned naval air base) with my camera and hit the gym for a hot tub!


When I came home the girls were ready, my wife helping out for while hours, bless her. And I had the unique pleasure of driving them both ways to their first homecoming dance.


~Mark

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Wild Animals and the Truth

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I was visiting a friend and her daughter was going to go on a camp out the next day. Her teacher told them that there were wild animals around as a way to get them excited, this freaked her out and she couldn't sleep. I told her that I could help her if she wanted it, she said yes.

"The truth is that at this moment, you are safe. You are home with your family and that at this moment everything was OK. This is really all there is, now, and you are safe and sound. You can even go back to bed and now think about other things that you'd like to think about, or try what I do right before bed is to not think about anything. Tomorrow you will be around many adults and our job is to keep you safe and keep the wild animals away so even tomorrow you'll be safe."

This seemed to work for she went to bed and that was the last peep we heard from her.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Foolish King Dad

•Somethings just go the way they go. We dad's try to come off all knowing, wise, perfect, and sometimes we are just fools, still kings, but we rule from a different place. It's a place of being able to be silly, able to act in ways that our kids roll their eyes and wish were some other place, not necessarily have another dad, just wish he wasn't there then, embarrassing them.

In the short term it's foolish, and in the long term it's wise. The wise comes from the ability to still be young in one's soul, and to become old, to become an elder, to be able to still be in touch with your inner kid is way powerful. You'll notice that your kids will freak while the other kids look at you in a silent by amazed way, like that's so cool, I wish my dad was like that. You help wake them up, keep them on their toes, you can see it in their eyes, they are interested, curious... what's this dad doing being so alive?

I once heard Michael Meade say that we need our elders to be fully alive, dangerous, crazy, full of spirit. Without this, our youth looks at the old folks and say, "that is that last thing I ever want to be like - so why live long, what's the use?" But when a youth looks at someone alive as an elder, they say, "oh I get it, I want to be like that when I grow up!"

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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What's a Wrench?

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The Art of Being a Dad

book on sale @ blurb.com

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The summer has passed quickly. My wife and I were just talking about how exhausting it was when the kids were little. We are both freelancers and work at home, during the summer school is out and that meant more kid care for us to do, which also meant less focused time with work. Luckily for me I am a night owl and would often find myself happily back in my studio after the girls and my wife were asleep. Ah..... quiet, focus, uninterrupted time and space.

Now the youngest starts middle school and the oldest enter high school next week.

We got a ping pong table. It opens up and we use it on the side deck, it's new and a fun family thing. My oldest thought she'd open it up by herself and yes, it rolled over and the bottom wood piece snapped in half. No one was hurt, no large window doors smashed, but boy, was she freaked out! I was glad that no one got hurt.

Hum.... as I looked it over and we took it apart together, I saw what needed to be fixed. I even found some of the ping pong box crate wood that would be a perfect match. So I did the cool dad thing, we pulled out the skill saw, drill, hammer, and tape measure. I asked her to get a wrench from my tool box and she smiled and said, "what's a wrench?" That's so cool, my 14 year old doesn't know what a wrench is and I get to show her (along with showing her the difference between a Phillips-head screw driver and a common).

I gave her ear plugs and eye protection. I showed her how to do everything but made her do everything herself, and we worked together, it very satisfying for a dad. First time with a skill saw in her hands, and it was the skill saw that my dad bought me years ago. I had her practice 5 times before she said she was ready to make the final cut, and she did, and it was good enough to call perfect!

All this took place while the younger daughter was raking leaves and filling the green bin. She's been known to never get outside during the day so I lean into this and get her sorry butt outside and put her to work. She doesn't like it at first, she tries to take breaks that would lead into hours if I didn't keep calling her back. But in the end it's really good family energy. I feel good, I know the kids feel empowered, useful, connected, doing new things, and mom likes it when she returns and finds out that we also totally cleaned the frig!

What's a Wrench?


I told her that one of my jobs is to show her how tools work and that when she goes to college she'll get a tool box from me!
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A Letter to My Youngest Daughter

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A few days ago I triggered after I asked my kid to help out in the morning, clean up, move into action, we all needed her help. She basically said "no, I only go at one speed." This is the letter I wrote her later. She still said she only had one speed, I said that didn't sound like she had much choice, no freedom there. I wonder where she learned that?


Darn it it Zoe, I feel angry! After I dropped off RG I realized I was feeling angry about how the morning went, asking you for kitchen help and how I felt you blew me off. In the kitchen, after you said you were only going to move at one pace, after I had asked you for the 2nd time, I closed down and withdrew from being in relationship with you.

That’s not what I want. I want to be connected with you and feel like we are a team together, you and me, and also all of us as family in the house. If it were me, as a kid, when a parent asked for help & support, asked me to jump in and do the chores that were mine to do, I’d move into action and double time it to get the jobs done. Why?, to show my support for others, because I could do that, and because I know it would be good for everyone. That’s me. I do that with your mom, when she asks, I jump in and support her. I know how to be proactive and ask her what’s the best way I can support her now – she loves that. She feels supported and that’s important for her, maybe the most important thing. For her it shows that she is loved. I didn’t feel supported by you this morning.

You came back into the kitchen with a “dad help dishwasher card.” You said you would do the sink and top, you I could do the dishwashers. You gave me more work than you, AND you left without doing anything, saying there wasn’t time. You’re mom’s class was coming in, house cleaners coming later, I then did all the dishes. I want to live in a house where everyone puts good energy into the family, into supporting the inner workings of the house so that everyone feels supported and connected.

I invite you, to be more proactive. I encourage you to be able to move at several different paces when you need to. I want to be better at expressing my anger, not at you, just express it as me, as your dad, as a parent when it’s appropriate. We could talk negative sanctions - forfeit your allowance, take away listening to books, reading books, TV, computer - for a week or until your are ready to contribute house work wise?

Still love you, you are a great kid, and come on…. There are things to fight me on but not this one. What did it serve you this morning? Did you get what you wanted?

LOVE,
Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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And You Don't Even Need to Go Far

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My wife, Laurie Wagner is a writer. Years ago she wrote a piece about how dads have to be more creative because they just couldn't pull out a breast and feed their baby and put them to sleep. She wrote about how I'd take the kids out into the front yard to explore and how one day I found a salamander.

Well I found another salamander recently. It brought back memories about that long journey, those long days and nights with really little people, dependent on their parents for just about everything. Now I leave my 11 year old at the cafe, after we ordered, after I told the waitress that I was leaving and where I was going and that I would be back soon (Longs), after I asked my daughter if she'd like to come with me or stay, after she said she wanted to stay and wished she'd brought her book, after she said yes to the waitress who offered her crayons and paper to color with.

We then went to the movies and saw UP. Sweet story of an elderly man and a young boy on an adventure. Well done.

My wife left town again for 3 days to go to Colorado to see her best friend's book signing. Lisa Jones just published her first book, Broken.


That leaves me solo dad. My older girl has been away on a 4 day sleepover 8th grade field trip so the house has been pretty quiet since the younger one is a bookworm and rereading the 3rd or 4th Twilight book for the second time - its at least 2 in. thick.

house taken from front yard

Salamanders in the front yard, the word is an amazing place and you don't even have to go far.

The Art of Being A Dad - the First Seven Years

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Making Fires and Using Sharp Tools

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For the last 14 years, I have been in dad mode daily. I have co-parented as a freelance artist who is married to a freelance writer. I worked many late nights as everyone was sleeping, and in the early days changed diapers and got the baby bottles warmed to feed the little people.

This weekend my wife was away visiting her father who is passing away from cancer - blessings to everyone! I stayed home with the kids who are now basically teenagers - 2 girls. I have been aware that my time as dad is coming to a close. I should say a certain phase of my being a dad is ending. The best way to describe it is where the girls are beginning to go/grow. They are moving into a place where dad's don't go, where dad's can't go, they are going into the world of young women.

I am turning them over to their mom, to the social and hormone world of girls, shopping, fashion, bras, emotions, and make-up.

I will still and always be dad.

Over the weekend I helped them start a fire and use sharp tools. The younger one wanted to make a fire outside in our fire pit - sure go for it! She started to ask questions, someone recently called them "dumb" questions. How much wood, how much paper, etc... She has made plenty of fires. I invited her to answer these questions for herself through direct experience. She doesn't like when I do this but I know I will do her a dis-service if I tell her step by step how to do it. I was near by and did offer my suggestions when I saw that it would benefit her and the learning process and her becoming independant, confident, and self reliant.

The older one was working on a science project. I set her up with an matte knife, steel ruler, cardboard, and gave her a cutting careful with a sharp tool lesson and let her go at it. Very cool.

I am also asking them to each make a meal per week, and check this out.... my new idea of not having to remind them "every day" to practice their guitar. Over the week they have 6 slots of 15 minutes to practice to fill up. If they do that they can use technology next week (computers, ipods, ect..), if not, you get the picture. This week is the trail, so far they have failed miserably.

"The Art of Being A Dad"
TOOLBOX
130 Tips, Tools, Tricks of the Trade

1. Whole Start. Before you conceive or soon afterwards, get out into nature by yourself. Spend some time alone, take a road trip, a walk. Imagine that you are taking care of business and connecting with something deeper, wider, and greater than yourself. Ask the powers that be to have healthy kids, ask to be a great dad, ask for help because you will definitely need it later.

2. Celebrate becoming a dad. Do something special for yourself to celebrate becoming a dad. Use the time when baby is inside mom in a significant way. It may appear that all the work is happening inside mom while she is pregnant, but there is a great deal happening inside of you too.

3. Feel connected. Do something to help you feel connected to your baby while they are still in mom’s belly. I lit a candle and kept one burning the entire time of our pregnancy as a way for me to symbolically hold the light for my baby and feel connected.

4. Be the ground at the birth. Both mom and baby need you to be fully present during the birth. Breathe slowly, feel your feet on the floor, keep your eyes open, it’s a once in a lifetime experience.

5. Don’t take it personally. You may feel ignored or not needed during the intensity of labor. Trust that everyone is doing what they need to do and your job is to support and do what your partner needs you to do.

6. Who are they? If you pay attention as your child is born you may be able to get a sense of who they are. And any good stories you gather then you will be able to tell to your kids for the rest of their lives.

7. Not about you. Helpful hint: The next few years are NOT going to be about you. Most of the core bonding happens with mom and baby. Your time will come later when it’s you that they want and need.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Welcome to Dadville

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Hello, finally getting up my dad blog inspired by finally self publishing / on demand my first book,
"The Art of Being A Dad."

I am going to be posting sections of the book over time and also talking, sharing about what it's like now with my two girls 11 and going on 14. Whew....

Stay tuned
~Mark

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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