Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

"I know you probably don't Ike me talking to you in this way - but I know you and I love you and I am your dad. See if you can tell if you are in your head about this or in your heart, is it an idea or a feeling?

Can you drop down into your gut/ belly and from there see a bigger picture of the jacket and what it symbolizes, comfort, security, other peoples opinions? You struggle at times making decisions, asking what others think, being a Gemini - these, as you well know are difficult. The way through all of it would be to continue to practice your intuition and trust it."

Xxoo Dad

She said thanks, when can you take me to return the jacket?

Put it in front of them

Many years ago the kid's art looked like this. I just love little kid's art, it's so alive, rich, interesting. I'd tell them to tell me what it's about, and I'd sit there for a LONG time listening to the entire epic story.

Now a days, the teens are scattered about and there are sometimes when a day or two goes by and I don't even see then. The other day my daughter and her friend were sitting at the kitchen table just talking and hanging out. I simple put colored pastels and black paper in front of them, didn't say a word, and walked away. I knew they both liked art and they went at it for awhile which was great.

Note above photo: the new grey BOY kitty!

And my other boy - beginning to be an old man. Us guys have to stick together, lots O women and hormones in the house. That energy alone is an entire blog to deal with, understand, appreciate (sometimes from a far), and love.

~MW dad

 from the book: The Art of Being a Dad (the first seven years)

Rites of Passage

Being a man and father who has grown up camping, hunting, fishing in rural Pennsylvania, I have a solid connection with nature and the Earth. I've also been fortunate to be involved in Native American Indian ceremony and some very powerful initiation rites. I walk a sacred life now and always will until this robe drops

I mostly teach by example and let them free to be who they really are. I now have two teenage girls whom can be brought water but not made to drink - or something like that.  But I am concerned about the culture, the unconscious side of technology and the media, living in the suburbs where nature seems far away though the front yard is pretty darn close and an amazing place. But getting my girls to even hang out in the front yard is at times impossible. Fear of spiders, a teen girls social life, the foreign idea of helping out around the house, they almost always trump watching the wind, sun, and leaves playing.

Several years ago I asked a few women friends to do a rite of passage day for my 16 year old. My wife, her mom was not involved in the process, better to have the "Aunties" do it and anyway my wife isn't wired in thinking it's that important. My daughter enjoyed it as much as I heard. She said she'd "force" her kids to do it to, which was her way of saying thank you to me - I got it.

Over the years I heard through a spirit person that more rites of passage would be good for my oldest daughter, it would be good for her spirit, help her in the bigger picture, and she'd be working with younger girls and it would give her extra confidence and things to share. I told her about this, asked if I got someone to run a group would she be interested, and even maybe ask a half dozen of her girlfriends to be involved. She said she was.

It took almost a year to find a woman who works with teens and rites of passage. As time drew closer my daughter kept putting up more negative energy towards it happening. I know her and know this is her way of protecting herself, and staying away from anything new and out of her comfort zone. We had a talk one day in the car where she basically said she was "sure" she wasn't going to get anything out of it and that she'd only be doing it for me, and that I should drop it. And so I did - for about 3 days.

I just couldn't. It was in my heart loud and clear. I have a brief moment in time/space where I am physically connected to my daughter and to 6+ other girls who I have known since they were in kindergarten. Some of the girls could really use some guidance, wisdom, direction, find something inside themselves that they can hold onto in a storm.

Rites of passage are old and new initiation ceremonies and rituals that push and squeeze a person through a doorway, in this case from being a kid/teen into becoming an adult. Bi-products of initiation are responsibility for self, others (friends and family), community, and ultimately the world. Without these a person could stay stuck, still be a teen in a 50 year old body, not free or grounded, still acting out, hurting others and being hurt, not anchored in their mature masculine or feminine body.

So.... I was sneaky, I talked to another girl who is like my other kid, she's my girls best friend. I told her everything I know about these rites of passage. She was interested and excited and together we tricked my daughter into at least meeting with the woman who runs groups. I figured my ultimate job was to just get them together and after that, they could do what they wanted. And so it happened, it went down well, I was invited by the 3 of them to sit and listen. In the end they all made a date to meet again.

Well, over that time the girls talked and decided together that they didn't want to do it. The drinking water thing. I feel so good about it all. I followed my intuition, didn't take a no, kept following my truth and took it to where it wanted to go, full contact. AH..... my rite of passage.

And truth be told, I also feel like a failure, living near a city, not getting the girls and family outside enough, not growing up quality time in nature where it's unplugged and quiet, and having my girls grow up being OK to be alone in the woods. I know it's all good, and will be in the long run.  How? Because I know it in my heart now as I write this.

Blessings,
~Dad

this blog was originally designed to promote my book:
www.theartofbeingadad.com
now it's the second book, dad with teen girls, in draft...

Afraid

•
Afraid
to post

being a dad of girls
of basically two teenage
GIRLS
is .....
poetry
or silence.

~dad

www.artofbeingadad.com
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Their Faces Each Lite Up By Their Phones

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The 3 teenager girls in high heels and fancy dresses sat in the back of my dark truck, their faces each lite up by their phones. It was 10:30 at night. I was driving them home from their first homecoming dance as 9th graders. My daughter sat in the front seat beside me. I unfortunately had to leave my dog home in bed with my wife after I got the call to come pick the girls, and after we hit the pause button on the laptop watching Weeds.

All day long there were teenage girls here at the house, it actually started Friday night for the first sleep over. No wait... it started around 3pm when I picked RG up and took her to get her hair recolored back to her original color, closer to blond (which didn't really work and cost too much - oh well).


Hum... I am embarrassed to say that I blew it, I dropped the ball, totally forgot that I was suppose to pick up another kid, not mine, at another school at take her home. Crap, my younger kid is in a play (two plays), I wasn't suppose to pick her up until 6:30, with a burrito in hand and take her to another play practice and then pick her up at 9:30 and bring her home - big day yes we all know. But I totally forgot about another kid, sorry!

So yesterday was filled with teenage girls, a very messy room that I asked more than once to be cleaned up, bed made, never happened. I let it go. I did make them clean up the kitchen and living room for mom (the wife) who was in one of those "everything is a mess" modes and we all know to take note and make sure it's clean before she comes home again to keep away from the wrath of menopause.

I told the teens to "get outside, it's a beautiful day" more than once, that didn't happen so I let that go too. They stayed inside all day long and did their girl stuff. I on the other hand go out into the yard and did some of my favorite things - getting dirty in the yard and work with my hands. I laid the outer ring of bricks around our fire pit. And then I took off to explore the base (decomissioned naval air base) with my camera and hit the gym for a hot tub!


When I came home the girls were ready, my wife helping out for while hours, bless her. And I had the unique pleasure of driving them both ways to their first homecoming dance.


~Mark

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING LATE, it's about being your word

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She had already called several times, pushing the time to return back and back. I said, "be back before 8pm or there will be consequences, understand?" Yes, yes, yes... and go figure, she comes in 6 minutes after... of course with excuses. I took her iphone from her for a week - harsh!

Next night, my wife is out of town, I need to be out for the night, I need the same girl as above to be home by 5pm so her younger sister won't be home alone for long. Things change, I move the time to 5:30 and it's agreed upon. At 5:45 I call home, she's not there. I call again at 6pm and find her there. Dudette, what's up? You just got your phone taken away from you for a week for not being your word and out of integrity. I was bummed, I was going to ground her more, no sleep overs next weekend, but realized I would give her an option, the previous ground or write a paper and make a piece of art about being your word and keeping commitments - by next weekend. She picked the later.

I was away for the weekend. I was with 6 men, a young man (15), and a dog. We were working with the young man, male initiation stuff. I'll write about it later, really cool shit! Honored to be part of it all.


Sunday night, I am talking to my young woman (14) and I remember something... what was it? Oh, the paper and artwork. Where is it? Hum... forgot... when you finish them you can have your phone back again! Oh she hated that, hated me, but as she says, she can only stay mad at me for about 10 minutes. She sat down and wrote me a 9 page paper, first starting out about the topic and then quickly going into a cool intimate honest piece about her truth, about her story, and her feeling about it all. That's pretty good! She was afraid she would hurt my feelings and I was thrilled she got into it so much. It was a good connection for us.

IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING LATE.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Wild Animals and the Truth

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I was visiting a friend and her daughter was going to go on a camp out the next day. Her teacher told them that there were wild animals around as a way to get them excited, this freaked her out and she couldn't sleep. I told her that I could help her if she wanted it, she said yes.

"The truth is that at this moment, you are safe. You are home with your family and that at this moment everything was OK. This is really all there is, now, and you are safe and sound. You can even go back to bed and now think about other things that you'd like to think about, or try what I do right before bed is to not think about anything. Tomorrow you will be around many adults and our job is to keep you safe and keep the wild animals away so even tomorrow you'll be safe."

This seemed to work for she went to bed and that was the last peep we heard from her.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Foolish King Dad

•Somethings just go the way they go. We dad's try to come off all knowing, wise, perfect, and sometimes we are just fools, still kings, but we rule from a different place. It's a place of being able to be silly, able to act in ways that our kids roll their eyes and wish were some other place, not necessarily have another dad, just wish he wasn't there then, embarrassing them.

In the short term it's foolish, and in the long term it's wise. The wise comes from the ability to still be young in one's soul, and to become old, to become an elder, to be able to still be in touch with your inner kid is way powerful. You'll notice that your kids will freak while the other kids look at you in a silent by amazed way, like that's so cool, I wish my dad was like that. You help wake them up, keep them on their toes, you can see it in their eyes, they are interested, curious... what's this dad doing being so alive?

I once heard Michael Meade say that we need our elders to be fully alive, dangerous, crazy, full of spirit. Without this, our youth looks at the old folks and say, "that is that last thing I ever want to be like - so why live long, what's the use?" But when a youth looks at someone alive as an elder, they say, "oh I get it, I want to be like that when I grow up!"

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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What's a Wrench?

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The Art of Being a Dad

book on sale @ blurb.com

--------------------------------------------------------------

The summer has passed quickly. My wife and I were just talking about how exhausting it was when the kids were little. We are both freelancers and work at home, during the summer school is out and that meant more kid care for us to do, which also meant less focused time with work. Luckily for me I am a night owl and would often find myself happily back in my studio after the girls and my wife were asleep. Ah..... quiet, focus, uninterrupted time and space.

Now the youngest starts middle school and the oldest enter high school next week.

We got a ping pong table. It opens up and we use it on the side deck, it's new and a fun family thing. My oldest thought she'd open it up by herself and yes, it rolled over and the bottom wood piece snapped in half. No one was hurt, no large window doors smashed, but boy, was she freaked out! I was glad that no one got hurt.

Hum.... as I looked it over and we took it apart together, I saw what needed to be fixed. I even found some of the ping pong box crate wood that would be a perfect match. So I did the cool dad thing, we pulled out the skill saw, drill, hammer, and tape measure. I asked her to get a wrench from my tool box and she smiled and said, "what's a wrench?" That's so cool, my 14 year old doesn't know what a wrench is and I get to show her (along with showing her the difference between a Phillips-head screw driver and a common).

I gave her ear plugs and eye protection. I showed her how to do everything but made her do everything herself, and we worked together, it very satisfying for a dad. First time with a skill saw in her hands, and it was the skill saw that my dad bought me years ago. I had her practice 5 times before she said she was ready to make the final cut, and she did, and it was good enough to call perfect!

All this took place while the younger daughter was raking leaves and filling the green bin. She's been known to never get outside during the day so I lean into this and get her sorry butt outside and put her to work. She doesn't like it at first, she tries to take breaks that would lead into hours if I didn't keep calling her back. But in the end it's really good family energy. I feel good, I know the kids feel empowered, useful, connected, doing new things, and mom likes it when she returns and finds out that we also totally cleaned the frig!

What's a Wrench?


I told her that one of my jobs is to show her how tools work and that when she goes to college she'll get a tool box from me!
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You're Suppose To Look Good, But There Are No Mirrors

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Last weekend was an annual family/community campout that my family has been going to for years. It's connected to a larger men's group that I belong to (ebnom.org). This year was the biggest one so far, around 150 men, women, kids, dogs, babies, grandparents, singles... all tent camped right on the Russian River in Northern CA.

This year was the biggest gathering of teens I have seen - that's a good sign of family and community. My oldest daughter (14) said, "I hate camping, you're suppose to look good, but there are no mirrors." I love that!

I drove up with 3 girls (the other girl is 15 and has been with our family in many way for years). The ride was for a few hours, the girls were in the back seat of my truck, my dog rode up front with me. My wife was coming up next day.

I had been working for hours packing and getting ready. I do a lot for the camp out - firewood, music, movies, meditations, meals, performance. The girls were singing in a way that was just driving me nuts - I put in my ear plugs - that helped a little. When we got to the site the older girls wanted me to drop them off at the bathroom so they could put on their make-up. Camping!

Packing up earlier, as I mentioned I had lots to do. I worked on enrolling the kids to help. I noticed my younger daughter was just laying on the couch. Part of me couldn't believe that she was doing this, I felt angry and frustrated but then I realized that she needed a job, she needed to be told what to do, invited in. I found her a project and she slowly moved into it and I was grateful and thanked her for helping. Someone later mentioned kids close down and pull back if they don't feel connected.

At the camp out, we arrived a day early because we can, and it's nice and quiet. But there I was, burnt out, and with 3 girls. Hum.... I actually wanted to be alone. We walked into town at night to have dinner, the 4 of us, and then again in the morning, the 4 of us, and I found myself not wanting to be with just them. I was grateful when more people showed up and more kids were hanging out and my kids were gone and I knew they were taken care of - that's community!

My time was getting some alone time on the river with 2 men, we each were in kayaks for over 2 hours - ah...... after that I was good to go and had a fantastic time.

Next day the kids both left for 2 weeks of circus summer camp. Nice break, first time ever that the house this empty for this long.

~Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Seven Girls in Hawaii

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Yes, two women - my wife and one of her best friends, and 5 girls between the age of 11-14, and not me! I am home alone for 2 weeks with my dog and no girls. Don't get me wrong, I like girls and women, but 7 (seven) for two weeks had me staying home working and loving this.

What has been cool is that I have claimed the entire house and yard as my studio. It's what I would do if I lived alone. I don't need a dinning room table, I need a larger work table, and I need another one in the living room.

I haven't really miss my girls. I think of them often and in this wonderful world of technology, all 3 of my girls have cell phones. My oldest kid has been sending me photos of the stray cats from her iPhone!

Last week, after talking it over with my wife, we decided to get our youngest kid a cell phone. She was really wanting one so much that she did a killer presentation on why she should get one and sooner than we said she could. "Very sweet but no! Not until the summer is over and yes you do get one when you go to your new middle school at the downtown Oakland School of the Art (in acting)."

But she did so good in school, last report card from elementary school was straight 4's (A). That was her first time, and she's good kid, and so it being my idea, I told her we were going to get her a phone now (she squeeeeeellllled - funny how kids tell you they LOVE you when they are getting something they really like!).

The cool dad/daughter cool thing was that on the drive to the store I hit something on the freeway (hiding around a curve) that totally blew out my back truck tire. I was able to pull off, we were safe, and WE changed the tire together in minutes!

I have been teaching the girls how to drive on a decommissioned Naval Air Base near our house since they have been babies. Recently we were out and someone was driving (little one on my lap - she's not so little these days) and the older one can drive by herself. We hit something hidden again and the metal made a click-click-click sound. When I got out to look I could heard the air leaving the tire. So I said, "perfect - your first changing tire experience." And we did it together. I made them help and we all got our hands dirty!

That's a real time dad teaching experience which I feel really good about.

Best,
love dad

PS: Both my dad book and chalk drawing book are on the 'best seller" list @ Best Seller Blurb.com

www.theartofbeingadad.com

www.reenchantingtheworldthroughart.org

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A Letter to My Youngest Daughter

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A few days ago I triggered after I asked my kid to help out in the morning, clean up, move into action, we all needed her help. She basically said "no, I only go at one speed." This is the letter I wrote her later. She still said she only had one speed, I said that didn't sound like she had much choice, no freedom there. I wonder where she learned that?


Darn it it Zoe, I feel angry! After I dropped off RG I realized I was feeling angry about how the morning went, asking you for kitchen help and how I felt you blew me off. In the kitchen, after you said you were only going to move at one pace, after I had asked you for the 2nd time, I closed down and withdrew from being in relationship with you.

That’s not what I want. I want to be connected with you and feel like we are a team together, you and me, and also all of us as family in the house. If it were me, as a kid, when a parent asked for help & support, asked me to jump in and do the chores that were mine to do, I’d move into action and double time it to get the jobs done. Why?, to show my support for others, because I could do that, and because I know it would be good for everyone. That’s me. I do that with your mom, when she asks, I jump in and support her. I know how to be proactive and ask her what’s the best way I can support her now – she loves that. She feels supported and that’s important for her, maybe the most important thing. For her it shows that she is loved. I didn’t feel supported by you this morning.

You came back into the kitchen with a “dad help dishwasher card.” You said you would do the sink and top, you I could do the dishwashers. You gave me more work than you, AND you left without doing anything, saying there wasn’t time. You’re mom’s class was coming in, house cleaners coming later, I then did all the dishes. I want to live in a house where everyone puts good energy into the family, into supporting the inner workings of the house so that everyone feels supported and connected.

I invite you, to be more proactive. I encourage you to be able to move at several different paces when you need to. I want to be better at expressing my anger, not at you, just express it as me, as your dad, as a parent when it’s appropriate. We could talk negative sanctions - forfeit your allowance, take away listening to books, reading books, TV, computer - for a week or until your are ready to contribute house work wise?

Still love you, you are a great kid, and come on…. There are things to fight me on but not this one. What did it serve you this morning? Did you get what you wanted?

LOVE,
Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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And You Don't Even Need to Go Far

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My wife, Laurie Wagner is a writer. Years ago she wrote a piece about how dads have to be more creative because they just couldn't pull out a breast and feed their baby and put them to sleep. She wrote about how I'd take the kids out into the front yard to explore and how one day I found a salamander.

Well I found another salamander recently. It brought back memories about that long journey, those long days and nights with really little people, dependent on their parents for just about everything. Now I leave my 11 year old at the cafe, after we ordered, after I told the waitress that I was leaving and where I was going and that I would be back soon (Longs), after I asked my daughter if she'd like to come with me or stay, after she said she wanted to stay and wished she'd brought her book, after she said yes to the waitress who offered her crayons and paper to color with.

We then went to the movies and saw UP. Sweet story of an elderly man and a young boy on an adventure. Well done.

My wife left town again for 3 days to go to Colorado to see her best friend's book signing. Lisa Jones just published her first book, Broken.


That leaves me solo dad. My older girl has been away on a 4 day sleepover 8th grade field trip so the house has been pretty quiet since the younger one is a bookworm and rereading the 3rd or 4th Twilight book for the second time - its at least 2 in. thick.

house taken from front yard

Salamanders in the front yard, the word is an amazing place and you don't even have to go far.

The Art of Being A Dad - the First Seven Years

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Welcome to Dadville

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Hello, finally getting up my dad blog inspired by finally self publishing / on demand my first book,
"The Art of Being A Dad."

I am going to be posting sections of the book over time and also talking, sharing about what it's like now with my two girls 11 and going on 14. Whew....

Stay tuned
~Mark

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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