The Art of Being A Dad

iBook - The Art of Being a Dad $3.99

2012-01-25T19:45:00.000-08:00

Oh I am so psyched. I just found out that my dad book can be sold as an iBook for the iPad, iPhone, iTouch. And for a whopping $3.99 - it looks great on the iPad!

http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/2238766

Miss Representation

2012-01-16T12:55:00.000-08:00

Watch it!

Birthday Paintings

2012-01-11T09:52:00.000-08:00

Each birthday, for both of my girls (now teens), I create a small painting from their request. This is a 2 hour painting that I was working on at the strike of midnight New Years Eve - loved that I was painting at midnight and it wasn't until 1/2 hour later that I even noticed that 2012 was here.

~Dad

I've been thinking my dad book is too expensive as a on-demand book @ Blurb. I'm looking into electroncially publishing it through Kindle at Amazon - that's exciting! Stay tuned - buy a book!

~Mark

www.theartofbeingadad.com

Put it in front of them

2011-10-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

Many years ago the kid's art looked like this. I just love little kid's art, it's so alive, rich, interesting. I'd tell them to tell me what it's about, and I'd sit there for a LONG time listening to the entire epic story.

Now a days, the teens are scattered about and there are sometimes when a day or two goes by and I don't even see then. The other day my daughter and her friend were sitting at the kitchen table just talking and hanging out. I simple put colored pastels and black paper in front of them, didn't say a word, and walked away. I knew they both liked art and they went at it for awhile which was great.

Note above photo: the new grey BOY kitty!

And my other boy - beginning to be an old man. Us guys have to stick together, lots O women and hormones in the house. That energy alone is an entire blog to deal with, understand, appreciate (sometimes from a far), and love.

~MW dad

from the book: The Art of Being a Dad (the first seven years)

Rites of Passage

2011-09-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

Being a man and father who has grown up camping, hunting, fishing in rural Pennsylvania, I have a solid connection with nature and the Earth. I've also been fortunate to be involved in Native American Indian ceremony and some very powerful initiation rites. I walk a sacred life now and always will until this robe drops

I mostly teach by example and let them free to be who they really are. I now have two teenage girls whom can be brought water but not made to drink - or something like that. But I am concerned about the culture, the unconscious side of technology and the media, living in the suburbs where nature seems far away though the front yard is pretty darn close and an amazing place. But getting my girls to even hang out in the front yard is at times impossible. Fear of spiders, a teen girls social life, the foreign idea of helping out around the house, they almost always trump watching the wind, sun, and leaves playing.

Several years ago I asked a few women friends to do a rite of passage day for my 16 year old. My wife, her mom was not involved in the process, better to have the "Aunties" do it and anyway my wife isn't wired in thinking it's that important. My daughter enjoyed it as much as I heard. She said she'd "force" her kids to do it to, which was her way of saying thank you to me - I got it.

Over the years I heard through a spirit person that more rites of passage would be good for my oldest daughter, it would be good for her spirit, help her in the bigger picture, and she'd be working with younger girls and it would give her extra confidence and things to share. I told her about this, asked if I got someone to run a group would she be interested, and even maybe ask a half dozen of her girlfriends to be involved. She said she was.

It took almost a year to find a woman who works with teens and rites of passage. As time drew closer my daughter kept putting up more negative energy towards it happening. I know her and know this is her way of protecting herself, and staying away from anything new and out of her comfort zone. We had a talk one day in the car where she basically said she was "sure" she wasn't going to get anything out of it and that she'd only be doing it for me, and that I should drop it. And so I did - for about 3 days.

I just couldn't. It was in my heart loud and clear. I have a brief moment in time/space where I am physically connected to my daughter and to 6+ other girls who I have known since they were in kindergarten. Some of the girls could really use some guidance, wisdom, direction, find something inside themselves that they can hold onto in a storm.

Rites of passage are old and new initiation ceremonies and rituals that push and squeeze a person through a doorway, in this case from being a kid/teen into becoming an adult. Bi-products of initiation are responsibility for self, others (friends and family), community, and ultimately the world. Without these a person could stay stuck, still be a teen in a 50 year old body, not free or grounded, still acting out, hurting others and being hurt, not anchored in their mature masculine or feminine body.

So.... I was sneaky, I talked to another girl who is like my other kid, she's my girls best friend. I told her everything I know about these rites of passage. She was interested and excited and together we tricked my daughter into at least meeting with the woman who runs groups. I figured my ultimate job was to just get them together and after that, they could do what they wanted. And so it happened, it went down well, I was invited by the 3 of them to sit and listen. In the end they all made a date to meet again.

Well, over that time the girls talked and decided together that they didn't want to do it. The drinking water thing. I feel so good about it all. I followed my intuition, didn't take a no, kept following my truth and took it to where it wanted to go, full contact. AH..... my rite of passage.

And truth be told, I also feel like a failure, living near a city, not getting the girls and family outside enough, not growing up quality time in nature where it's unplugged and quiet, and having my girls grow up being OK to be alone in the woods. I know it's all good, and will be in the long run. How? Because I know it in my heart now as I write this.

Blessings,
~Dad

this blog was originally designed to promote my book:
www.theartofbeingadad.com
now it's the second book, dad with teen girls, in draft...

It's Been Too Long

2011-05-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've added words and images here. Sometimes as a dad with 2 teenage girls I think I don't have anything to say, speechless in the face of whats actually happening. But when I looked into my photography of this year I saw several things I could talk about and share.

There have been, and are many times when as a dad I feel far from my girls. I am just not that into shopping, the mirror, social media, and girl drama. I grew up in rural Pennsylvania, I was outside all the time, woods, rivers, even fishing and hunting, riding motorcycles (minibikes), and climbing mountains.

To get my girls outside to help move a woodpile in the front yard is basically impossible. Pay them??? Force them??? Recently I just let it go and did it all myself and enjoyed it, it's my wood pile, it's my wood stove, and I love it and am glad to offer it to the family to keep them warm and cozy (though the girls really just live in their rooms and only visit the kitchen when they have to). We live in the suburbs, my girls are small town girls near the big city of San Francisco. We come from different worlds.

But I did rediscover an abandoned graffiti warehouse and took my wife and oldest daughter, and then my younger one and her friend in to see this amazing place.

We said some prayers and creating a blessing for the place. It felt dark, sad, full of young male energy of despair and hopelessness - such amazing art and no place for it to be really seen, acknowledged, appreciated.

In front of one of my favorite pieces, artist unknown.

And there she is - busted!

www.theartofbeingadad.com

A book about dad and little kids (the first seven years)

When Not Being a Dad

2011-02-23T10:50:00.000-08:00

When I am not being a dad, which is often enough,

I've been looking at big things like this - which I love.

On the home front we are all plowing along. 7th and 10th grade girls. I was talking to the older one about the 25 minute showers she's taking. I'm asking her to bring more consciousness to her shower time and water use. We've HAD this conversation before. I've put up signs on the other side of the shower glass, knocked on the door so many times, now am talking about charging her $10/month for the water, and even for one month didn't say a word. At least we are in dialogue and I'm communicating. Of course it's hair and shaving and girl stuff that's harder for me to relate to. My bad....

The younger one just called an hour after I dropped her off at school telling me she was sick.... enough for me to come get her. She's now in bed. Today, Weds. are my "dad days." I am THE ONE. My wife has off and can do anything and not have to think kids, which she does way more often than I do, cause she's a mom, and cause at times I'm more interested in the big ship on dry dock.

Thursdays are "mom days." Better day for my camera and dog to seek art adventures.

www.theartofbeingadad.com

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Sisters - Brothers

2011-01-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

Sisters

Top photo: the older one 15 years ago

Bottom photo: the younger one today

I worshipped my brother when we were little, we always played together (matchbox cars and trucks), explored the woods (serious woods in Pennsylvania), sledding, riding bikes, later hunting with dad, and played horns in the band together so we sat right beside each other. I played a baritone and my brother Paul played a trombone - he actually still does and is into it recently buying a new fancy trombone for the several marching bands he is in. I now describe him as an engineer and musician.

My girls, the younger one always looked up to the older one and they played lots together as little people. Then middle school set in for the older one and things changed. I think they also changed for my brother and me at that time, a biological separation, some karma? But something happened and we went our separate ways. I get too, a high school girl with a younger sister who really like her could be annoying since mostly everything is - annoying. Sad at times for the younger one who gets pushed away often.

I had a harder time connecting with my brother when we were in high school and over the years, we are still brothers but I can still feel a distance. These days I write to him a more intimate email and he'll write back in a word - "thanks." And now he has multiple myeloma, a blood cancer without a real cure. He's had his second stem cells replacements and at the moment is doing good.

I have no words of wisdom here, maybe just an overall feeling of sadness and blessings.

~MW

www.theartofbeingadad.com

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Cell Phones

2011-01-22T08:01:00.000-08:00

Birthday party last night, now seven 13 year old girls crashed in the living room. Last night they were all around the dinning room table eating cupcakes and one girl said, "I gotta go upstairs and get my phone, everyone here has theirs and I feel left out."

I was driving the girls home after a surprise trip to a climbing gym and dinner... fun! On the drive home all the girls had their phones out and were texting. Another girl from somewhere else was asking if the girls in my van were talking about her, that she was feeling a little insecure. Of course they were.

So interesting.... this world of technology, communications, real contact, and virtual relationships. I am not so sure, something feels off, a disconnect to the present, to silence and stillness, to nature, to not knowing that someone won't text you now.

~MW
www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Ancestors

2010-12-03T10:50:00.000-08:00

Often over Thanksgiving I take one of my daughters to Pennsylvania and my wife takes the other one to Los Angeles California. It's a way for the girls to have solo time with their extended families and grandparents.

This year my mom and my youngest daughter drove north for near 3 hours to the area where my mom and dad grew up, and where my grandparents lived. My dad is not well, not able to travel so we left him behind in the nursing home. A few lovely girl cousins live in the area and it was great to see them, my people!

My mom's maiden name is Ide, she grew up in Idetown. We visited the cemetery where she and my dad will be buried... which was a trip. I came across my other grandma's tomb stone, she died when I was 6, I remembered her. Her husband, my mom's dad, died when my mom was 3. I can only imagine not being a dad growing up, what a burden, a psychic tear, you know something is missing but you don't know what, you see dad's in other families and must wonder why, how, what happened, what would that be like.

www.theartofbeingadad.com

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Go Jets, Go Hornets!

2010-09-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

It was 11:30 pm as I wandered into the kitchen. There I found 2 teenage girls, one mine, and one I call my rental daughter, the kid who is now a young woman who's been hanging with my daughter and us as a family since she was 7, she's now almost 16 and is a lovely person and has been with us on vacations and many adventures.

I once took these two girls and my dog to my favorite isolated beach north of San Franscico CA. It was a day before my birthday and we were way out there walking to the sea cliffs. They were singing and being kids and sometimes... it's a little more than I care to be around. It's like sandpaper on an open wound... hence the headphones and the physical space I created between them and me.

And I start to hear the birthday song being sung. They were singing to me, ah.... that's so sweet. No one has ever sung a birthday song to me a day "before" my birthday. And when they were done they started in on the ... are you 1, are you 2, are 3...? So sweet, and they kept it going until they asked if I was 48 and I yelled out "YES!" How fun is that!

Now they are are both cheerleaders. My daughter just tried out after much inspiration and support from her mom and I. She's a tad shy and could easily stay away from something like this though we know she really wanted to do it and she's actually really good, even perfect for it with her earlier practice awards with gymnastics.

The girls are at different schools. They are both cheer leading this Friday night and the schools are local island rivals, so it will be good and I am excited to see my "daughters" both cheer. I'll have to run back and forth to both sides, maybe wear both colors?

So there they are, doing each other cheers, laughing, goofing around, being way silly and cute. And I just hung out and loved the moment. It was fine that I was there I (which is big) and they were comfortable doing their thing. It's a good sign how good the 3 of us are together, what kind of bond we have created over time that I hope continues.

Many Dad and Daughter blessings,
~M

www.theartofbeingadad.com
"The Art of Being a Dad" 120 page book full of color and insights into being a dad of little people.

Make It With Her, Not For Her (or at least try)

2010-09-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

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She didn't like her old bed, which actually new, heavy, and had black pull out drawers underneath the matress. So she and her mom posted the bed on Craigslist and finally off it went. Now she wanted a loft bed. The ones at Ikea weren't great SO I thought it would be good idea to build one, of course with expert help from a best friend, a man on my men's team, who is a contractor/builder.

My daughter Z came up with the drawing, which I thought was great (wonder if I can find that drawing to post). My buddy G took some measurements and gave me the lumber list; plywood, 4 x 4, 2 x 4, 2 x 6, and shelf materials. Z was out of town for 2 weeks at summer camp and the idea was that when she got home the bed would be done. Well... as I was beginning to sand and prime the wood, I realized that I "didn't want to make it for her, I wanted to make it with her," you know, do the dad thing, bond over showing her how to works with tools and wood. It was a great idea to me.

She was game in the beginning. Electric sander, paint, we did get into trouble when I (and I am the professional artist!!!) got the oil and acrylic paints mixed up...I know, I know. The next day of painting started out well but the energy turned. Z has always been creative and a good sport around art but something snagged her when she was painting designs on one of the book shelves and she went down. She got critical of herself and what she had done that nothing I could say would help. She left and went inside for the rest of the day.

Next day our energy was off again. I wanted and needed her help (remember my idea that we do this together - bonding experience) and she... seemed to have no energy to the point that she ended up most the day on the couch reading and sleeping and not to be involved. So thanks to G, we got most of the wood cut and the bed put together on the side deck. I painted it some more that evening and the next day we took it apart and reassembled it upstairs and Z did help again in the end.

And wa-la, a loft bed for a new 7th grader!
Love, Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com

The Art of Being a Dad is a highly illustrated and colorfully creative collaboration between a dad and his two small kids. It is also one man's journey as he navigates the colliding worlds of babies and career, co-parenting and being a man, and the awe, beauty and exhaustion of Being a Dad. The book is 120 pages and includes a Toolbox: 130 tips, tools and tricks of the trade for helping dads take care of their kids as well as themselves. Mark Wagner is unique, not because he has equally helped in raising two small kids, but because he is a freelance artist, and when he became a dad he was curious, observant, jotted down notes and insights, took photographs, created drawings and made art with his kids.

Book on Sale @

www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/849889

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Like a Robot Malfunctioning...

2010-07-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

Her roomed looked the same as it had an hour ago, piles of cloths everywhere, tables and dressers covered, a suitcase being packed for 2 weeks of summer camp. I'd been reminding her to clean her room before she leaves the next day. "What have you been doing, you room looks the same as it did an hour ago?" I said. "Oh my whites are still in the laundry and I have this thing about not being able to clean up until I finish packing," she said.

My inner circuits went on the glitch... if you where here now I could make the sound and show you how my eyes bugged out and my head twitched like a robot malfunctioning. I needed to leave the scene... I gotta get out of here > NOW~! Everything about what she and her younger sister were doing went against my very nature as a man and a once teenage boy. I know we (guys) get obsessed over other things, but spending a great deal of time and energy on what to wear on each day, doing several loads of wash, packing, repacking, checking the lists is.... not my thing.

One thing I have noticed that I think is really interesting is that girls getting dressed up is really for other girls and not so much for guys. Sure guys are up there on the list, but it's a chic world for them. Check who is really checking each other out, who appreciate and even acknowledges the way they have changed their hair, their new skinny jeans that kinda look like all the other ones they have. It's the other girls.

When I take my space and unplug from the scene then I get it, it's a girl thing, a teenage girl thing and I can relax. I can appreciate who they are and what they are doing and let them be. I can even enjoy it, glad it's not me, even feel sad... for them that so much of their time and energy goes into this direction when it's been said that if women could put some of that time and energy they put into being in front of the mirror the world would be a better and different place.

And I feel sad that I can' really personally relate to it and miss having them do things with me that I like to do like play video games, watch sports, go hunting and kill things, read the paper, drink beer - ha..... just kidding, got you didn't I? But think about it, a teenage boy (we call them young men and women) is obsessed also probably about the same degree into other things. Let's see, I was into getting outside and exploring nature, minibikes, sandlot football, girls, and eventually art.

The girls had slept in on this day. We just got back from a vacation in Hawaii which is different time zone. When the younger one got up after noon it was around 9am Hawaii time. When I went to check in on the older one she was still in bed on Facebook. "Hey.... you are still in bed, you haven't been outside at all today, get up and off Facebook, it's 4pm."She thought I was joking about the time until she looked.

She never did get outside, and her room never got cleaned up, she said she'd do it next morning before she left, like that ever happened.

The younger one had to get outside because her house chores are to wash the cars and she had 2 to do. We recently traded this chore because she refused to do any gardening because she has an ungodly afraid of spiders. Whose kid is she anyway? The world is full of spiders. I tell her that they are her "power animals, her teachers of fear," she hates when I do that! That night she came down twice not able to get to sleep. She was so tired and anxious about camp that she just couldn't let go and it was getting to her. I hung with her twice, the second time rubbing her feet I pulled on a toe that was.... unknown to me recently jammed and it now hurt her more than it did before. She started to cry, and I knew that was the best thing she could do, let it go, just release it, everything that a young girl cries about, all the known and unknown things the world has to offer. She asked me to stay until she fell asleep, I said yes, and did.

I feel for these young people, connected instantly to friends but in short sentences and words, separated by the digital, unconnected to nature, and to parts of themselves. But I am sure my parents thought the same way about me, about my piers, maybe too much TV and stuff? Well, I send all the young people blessings, I bless you all!

~Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com
self published Art & Dad book, first seven years
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Afraid

2010-05-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

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Afraid
to post

being a dad of girls
of basically two teenage
GIRLS
is .....
poetry
or silence.

~dad

www.artofbeingadad.com
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The Light in Her Eyes

2010-03-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

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She got into my truck and looked my way. I was taken by the light in her eyes. She looked so beautiful, her face flush. I could tell she'd been worked over. First day of the Teen "Kick Like a Girl" Self Defense course I signed her up for.

The beauty that she had was not pure physical beautiful though she is... she has eyes like her mom, but this was an inner beauty shining through. It was something that comes with being empowered, it comes along with a new well earned sense of confidence, a being free, a least for the moment, of going past the fear body and into a new territory of being alive.

She'd been screaming, kicking, punching, poking eyes out, stomping on the feet of well padded assailants, men double and tripled covered in protective gear so that the girls could respond to them in full forced, not a nice no... but a full SCREAM - NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
And then take em down, take em out, get away, and seek help!

The next day she and her girlfriend were at it again and I got see them do a session. I had to get to an appointment, my daughter was in the later group, and there was no way I was going to miss this! It was something we were doing together in a sense, her being afraid to walk a few blocks home 3 month ago in a quiet safe town and neighborhood, and me sensing that feeling safer in her body a wonderful investment into her life.

Fear, she's a girl that has fear. Ever read the Ennegram

Enneagram - Style Six

The Loyalist

Sixes live in a world filled with danger. They either run from it or toward it. Many people who perform great feats of bravery are trying desperately to ward off an inner fear. We call those Sixes who go toward danger "Counterphobic" Sixes. Counterphobic Sixes look quite different from Phobic Sixes who run away from danger.

Healthy Sixes are the glue of an office, family or community. They are charming and diplomatic, always concerned about the common good. They are often funny and imaginative. They are loyal, hard-working, and usually protective of a tradition. They make and keep lots of friends. They love win/win situations. Sixes make our bureaucracy run smoothly. They have the patience and charm and are willing to do the drudgery work.

More unhealthy Sixes become excessively devoted to a tradition or community (church, party, company) and become blind followers. They give away their power to the authorities, all the time not trusting the authorities. They become suspicious and begin to worry a lot. This can prevent them from taking appropriate action in their life. They control others by doubts and second-guessing each decision.

Recognizing Style Six

They may be ambivalent about many things.
They may accept a rational position, but won't act on it. Fear kicks in.
They may have trouble taking action. Worry replaces doing.
They may imagine the worst. "What if."
They may feel most anxious at the time of success.
They may constantly scan the environment for danger.
They may provoke you just to find out what you think.
They may be groupies.
They may distrust your information, your sources, etc.
They may be taut, unable to relax often.
How you can help

Create an atmosphere of trust. Nothing happens until that does.
Physical relaxation helps take the focus off obsessive thinking.
Teach them to doubt their doubting process. "What if you're wrong?"
Exaggerate to the absurd. "And if we're lucky, we'll die first."
Call them on their habit of projection.
Bring fears into reality. They fear most what is in their imagination.
Help them choose a larger role in the community.
Guided imagery is excellent prayer for them.
Massage and all bodywork are helpful.
For Christians, angels are helpful. (Consistent message: "fear not.")

there, that about sums it up
~Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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TEEN "Kick Like A Girl" SELF-DEFENSE COURSE

2010-01-30T10:44:00.000-08:00

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The younger one is in the kitchen and living room cleaning up. She somehow always forget to clean up after herself and when friends sleep over, even after being told twice. It's a heated topic here at the house, kids cleaning up after themselves "so that" adults don't have to. It seems to be a groove that needs lots of supervision to create a habit.

CRASH.... from the kitchen, while I am writing this. Broken glass jar. I set her up to clean it up herself.

I just got off the phone with the older one (14). Oh man.... I got pissed/triggered. I like that word "triggered," it's when something occurs in your field of experience that sets something off inside, a part of you gets activated and your emotion body lights up usually in anger, judgment, or fear. It basically throws you into your inner kid or teenager in charge and you want to do anything you can to NOT feel. And if your not on top of your game, you know... owning your own stuff, able to understand how you feel, then you usually take it out on those closest to you.

So when she asks for a ride home and she's only 8 blocks away, and I say walk.... it's a sunny Sat. morning, and she keeps going at it, relentlessly, until I say, "see you here at home, I love you," and hang up.

She pulled one of these a few nights ago. After school she walked to a friends house after school. She called home, asked for a ride home, it's 6 blocks away, I said walk, and come home before it's dark.

Well time got away from her, it got darker than she thought and all the sudden she's afraid (that she will get raped, murdered) and calling for a ride. "No... walk, it's your responsibility, we already talked about this." She calls mom.

My wife and I are both bugged by this teen behavior, it's on-going. So she talks her friend into walking her home, and tries to make us wrong for it all. Wait..... it's too messy. She and I even try to talk about it later and its still messy.

One thing I do see is that a self defense class is important and would be empowering. I have talked her her about this and she's interested. Just found a class on line, "Kick Like A Girl," and singed her and a friend up. www.impactbayarea.org

to be continued....
~MW

www.theartofbeingadad.com
www.creativeworlds.org
www.heartsandbones.com
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A Big Event of Chaos - Ten Preteens Sleeping Over

2010-01-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

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It's a good time to dad blog - there are 10 (ten) 6th grade girls (12 years old) here at the house for a birthday sleepover. Whew.... and my wife hasn't been here all day and won't be here tomorrow. And the girls now??? Let me turn the music down so I can hear what they might be up to. Just before I feed them all they were doing their first round of own version of America's Top Model.

Sounds like they are in the second round of make-up. I'll go out eventually and clean up some more. I'm not a big party person, didn't have many birthday parties as a kid so it's kinda a stretch for me to be the solo parent and host such a big event of chaos here at the house. But my wife grew up with many big parties and we made a compromise, one big party every other year.

So I just got off it, went party shopping with my new 12 year old and got into it. Actually it's pretty cool, a few of the girls I have known since they were in preschool - that's pretty cool. And this age they are pretty interesting, poised to becoming a teenager next year, all of them. How exciting and I imagine terrifying.

I sense boys are different. I watch both my girls getting into shopping, cloths, hair, make-up, refusing to get near anything that might have them appear nerdy - like riding a bike, hard enough to get it into their heads that they do have to get to school on their own. Oh sure it several blocks - OK I just looked, it's about 20 blocks, and you are getting there on your own - unless it's really cold or raining. We live in the San Francisco Bay Area - spring starts early.

Back to the party. It was silly string outside, the girls screaming in the dark, pretty cute, my new camera picking up lots of light at night and hey.... what's that on MY TRUCK?

www.theartofbeingadad.com

www.creativeworlds.org
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She's Afraid She'll Look Like a Nerd

2009-11-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

She asked me to drive her to school tomorrow morning, it was beginning to rain. I said sure and jokingly added, unless the sun is out. Well the sun came out and she was still asking for a ride and now she said says she doesn't have enough time to get ready.

"Honey, you have an hour and half before school starts." She said it still wasn't enough and from then it all started to go down hill.

Tears, frustration, and after she talked a girlfriend into getting her parents to pick her up for school her mom got involved and it got worse. My wife, her mom, doesn't like to put anyone else out and she got really triggered with our daughter doing this. I then actually had to help set some boundaries for my wife because she was so angry. Whew...

Messy morning, I felt manipulated and angry. My daughter has a way of creating things like this. I am trying to understand her. She won't ride her bike all the way to school because she's afraid she'll look like a nerd. Big sigh....

She's still responsible to get to school on time, she can take the bus, walk, ride her bike to a friends house and then walk. We live on a small island off the coast of Oakland CA. It's easy to get around and time for her to be able to do this on her own - 9th grade. Hum.... teen world, seeing the fine line between support, holding the line, being my word, and compassion.

Blessings to us all!

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Their Faces Each Lite Up By Their Phones

2009-10-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

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The 3 teenager girls in high heels and fancy dresses sat in the back of my dark truck, their faces each lite up by their phones. It was 10:30 at night. I was driving them home from their first homecoming dance as 9th graders. My daughter sat in the front seat beside me. I unfortunately had to leave my dog home in bed with my wife after I got the call to come pick the girls, and after we hit the pause button on the laptop watching Weeds.

All day long there were teenage girls here at the house, it actually started Friday night for the first sleep over. No wait... it started around 3pm when I picked RG up and took her to get her hair recolored back to her original color, closer to blond (which didn't really work and cost too much - oh well).

Hum... I am embarrassed to say that I blew it, I dropped the ball, totally forgot that I was suppose to pick up another kid, not mine, at another school at take her home. Crap, my younger kid is in a play (two plays), I wasn't suppose to pick her up until 6:30, with a burrito in hand and take her to another play practice and then pick her up at 9:30 and bring her home - big day yes we all know. But I totally forgot about another kid, sorry!

So yesterday was filled with teenage girls, a very messy room that I asked more than once to be cleaned up, bed made, never happened. I let it go. I did make them clean up the kitchen and living room for mom (the wife) who was in one of those "everything is a mess" modes and we all know to take note and make sure it's clean before she comes home again to keep away from the wrath of menopause.

I told the teens to "get outside, it's a beautiful day" more than once, that didn't happen so I let that go too. They stayed inside all day long and did their girl stuff. I on the other hand go out into the yard and did some of my favorite things - getting dirty in the yard and work with my hands. I laid the outer ring of bricks around our fire pit. And then I took off to explore the base (decomissioned naval air base) with my camera and hit the gym for a hot tub!

When I came home the girls were ready, my wife helping out for while hours, bless her. And I had the unique pleasure of driving them both ways to their first homecoming dance.

~Mark

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING LATE, it's about being your word

2009-10-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

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She had already called several times, pushing the time to return back and back. I said, "be back before 8pm or there will be consequences, understand?" Yes, yes, yes... and go figure, she comes in 6 minutes after... of course with excuses. I took her iphone from her for a week - harsh!

Next night, my wife is out of town, I need to be out for the night, I need the same girl as above to be home by 5pm so her younger sister won't be home alone for long. Things change, I move the time to 5:30 and it's agreed upon. At 5:45 I call home, she's not there. I call again at 6pm and find her there. Dudette, what's up? You just got your phone taken away from you for a week for not being your word and out of integrity. I was bummed, I was going to ground her more, no sleep overs next weekend, but realized I would give her an option, the previous ground or write a paper and make a piece of art about being your word and keeping commitments - by next weekend. She picked the later.

I was away for the weekend. I was with 6 men, a young man (15), and a dog. We were working with the young man, male initiation stuff. I'll write about it later, really cool shit! Honored to be part of it all.

Sunday night, I am talking to my young woman (14) and I remember something... what was it? Oh, the paper and artwork. Where is it? Hum... forgot... when you finish them you can have your phone back again! Oh she hated that, hated me, but as she says, she can only stay mad at me for about 10 minutes. She sat down and wrote me a 9 page paper, first starting out about the topic and then quickly going into a cool intimate honest piece about her truth, about her story, and her feeling about it all. That's pretty good! She was afraid she would hurt my feelings and I was thrilled she got into it so much. It was a good connection for us.

IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING LATE.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Wild Animals and the Truth

2009-09-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

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I was visiting a friend and her daughter was going to go on a camp out the next day. Her teacher told them that there were wild animals around as a way to get them excited, this freaked her out and she couldn't sleep. I told her that I could help her if she wanted it, she said yes.

"The truth is that at this moment, you are safe. You are home with your family and that at this moment everything was OK. This is really all there is, now, and you are safe and sound. You can even go back to bed and now think about other things that you'd like to think about, or try what I do right before bed is to not think about anything. Tomorrow you will be around many adults and our job is to keep you safe and keep the wild animals away so even tomorrow you'll be safe."

This seemed to work for she went to bed and that was the last peep we heard from her.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Foolish King Dad

2009-09-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

•Somethings just go the way they go. We dad's try to come off all knowing, wise, perfect, and sometimes we are just fools, still kings, but we rule from a different place. It's a place of being able to be silly, able to act in ways that our kids roll their eyes and wish were some other place, not necessarily have another dad, just wish he wasn't there then, embarrassing them.

In the short term it's foolish, and in the long term it's wise. The wise comes from the ability to still be young in one's soul, and to become old, to become an elder, to be able to still be in touch with your inner kid is way powerful. You'll notice that your kids will freak while the other kids look at you in a silent by amazed way, like that's so cool, I wish my dad was like that. You help wake them up, keep them on their toes, you can see it in their eyes, they are interested, curious... what's this dad doing being so alive?

I once heard Michael Meade say that we need our elders to be fully alive, dangerous, crazy, full of spirit. Without this, our youth looks at the old folks and say, "that is that last thing I ever want to be like - so why live long, what's the use?" But when a youth looks at someone alive as an elder, they say, "oh I get it, I want to be like that when I grow up!"

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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What's a Wrench?

2009-08-25T14:47:00.001-07:00

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The Art of Being a Dad

book on sale @ blurb.com

--------------------------------------------------------------

The summer has passed quickly. My wife and I were just talking about how exhausting it was when the kids were little. We are both freelancers and work at home, during the summer school is out and that meant more kid care for us to do, which also meant less focused time with work. Luckily for me I am a night owl and would often find myself happily back in my studio after the girls and my wife were asleep. Ah..... quiet, focus, uninterrupted time and space.

Now the youngest starts middle school and the oldest enter high school next week.

We got a ping pong table. It opens up and we use it on the side deck, it's new and a fun family thing. My oldest thought she'd open it up by herself and yes, it rolled over and the bottom wood piece snapped in half. No one was hurt, no large window doors smashed, but boy, was she freaked out! I was glad that no one got hurt.

Hum.... as I looked it over and we took it apart together, I saw what needed to be fixed. I even found some of the ping pong box crate wood that would be a perfect match. So I did the cool dad thing, we pulled out the skill saw, drill, hammer, and tape measure. I asked her to get a wrench from my tool box and she smiled and said, "what's a wrench?" That's so cool, my 14 year old doesn't know what a wrench is and I get to show her (along with showing her the difference between a Phillips-head screw driver and a common).

I gave her ear plugs and eye protection. I showed her how to do everything but made her do everything herself, and we worked together, it very satisfying for a dad. First time with a skill saw in her hands, and it was the skill saw that my dad bought me years ago. I had her practice 5 times before she said she was ready to make the final cut, and she did, and it was good enough to call perfect!

All this took place while the younger daughter was raking leaves and filling the green bin. She's been known to never get outside during the day so I lean into this and get her sorry butt outside and put her to work. She doesn't like it at first, she tries to take breaks that would lead into hours if I didn't keep calling her back. But in the end it's really good family energy. I feel good, I know the kids feel empowered, useful, connected, doing new things, and mom likes it when she returns and finds out that we also totally cleaned the frig!

What's a Wrench?

I told her that one of my jobs is to show her how tools work and that when she goes to college she'll get a tool box from me!
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You're Suppose To Look Good, But There Are No Mirrors

2009-08-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

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Last weekend was an annual family/community campout that my family has been going to for years. It's connected to a larger men's group that I belong to (ebnom.org). This year was the biggest one so far, around 150 men, women, kids, dogs, babies, grandparents, singles... all tent camped right on the Russian River in Northern CA.

This year was the biggest gathering of teens I have seen - that's a good sign of family and community. My oldest daughter (14) said, "I hate camping, you're suppose to look good, but there are no mirrors." I love that!

I drove up with 3 girls (the other girl is 15 and has been with our family in many way for years). The ride was for a few hours, the girls were in the back seat of my truck, my dog rode up front with me. My wife was coming up next day.

I had been working for hours packing and getting ready. I do a lot for the camp out - firewood, music, movies, meditations, meals, performance. The girls were singing in a way that was just driving me nuts - I put in my ear plugs - that helped a little. When we got to the site the older girls wanted me to drop them off at the bathroom so they could put on their make-up. Camping!

Packing up earlier, as I mentioned I had lots to do. I worked on enrolling the kids to help. I noticed my younger daughter was just laying on the couch. Part of me couldn't believe that she was doing this, I felt angry and frustrated but then I realized that she needed a job, she needed to be told what to do, invited in. I found her a project and she slowly moved into it and I was grateful and thanked her for helping. Someone later mentioned kids close down and pull back if they don't feel connected.

At the camp out, we arrived a day early because we can, and it's nice and quiet. But there I was, burnt out, and with 3 girls. Hum.... I actually wanted to be alone. We walked into town at night to have dinner, the 4 of us, and then again in the morning, the 4 of us, and I found myself not wanting to be with just them. I was grateful when more people showed up and more kids were hanging out and my kids were gone and I knew they were taken care of - that's community!

My time was getting some alone time on the river with 2 men, we each were in kayaks for over 2 hours - ah...... after that I was good to go and had a fantastic time.

Next day the kids both left for 2 weeks of circus summer camp. Nice break, first time ever that the house this empty for this long.

~Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Seven Girls in Hawaii

2009-07-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

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Yes, two women - my wife and one of her best friends, and 5 girls between the age of 11-14, and not me! I am home alone for 2 weeks with my dog and no girls. Don't get me wrong, I like girls and women, but 7 (seven) for two weeks had me staying home working and loving this.

What has been cool is that I have claimed the entire house and yard as my studio. It's what I would do if I lived alone. I don't need a dinning room table, I need a larger work table, and I need another one in the living room.

I haven't really miss my girls. I think of them often and in this wonderful world of technology, all 3 of my girls have cell phones. My oldest kid has been sending me photos of the stray cats from her iPhone!

Last week, after talking it over with my wife, we decided to get our youngest kid a cell phone. She was really wanting one so much that she did a killer presentation on why she should get one and sooner than we said she could. "Very sweet but no! Not until the summer is over and yes you do get one when you go to your new middle school at the downtown Oakland School of the Art (in acting)."

But she did so good in school, last report card from elementary school was straight 4's (A). That was her first time, and she's good kid, and so it being my idea, I told her we were going to get her a phone now (she squeeeeeellllled - funny how kids tell you they LOVE you when they are getting something they really like!).

The cool dad/daughter cool thing was that on the drive to the store I hit something on the freeway (hiding around a curve) that totally blew out my back truck tire. I was able to pull off, we were safe, and WE changed the tire together in minutes!

I have been teaching the girls how to drive on a decommissioned Naval Air Base near our house since they have been babies. Recently we were out and someone was driving (little one on my lap - she's not so little these days) and the older one can drive by herself. We hit something hidden again and the metal made a click-click-click sound. When I got out to look I could heard the air leaving the tire. So I said, "perfect - your first changing tire experience." And we did it together. I made them help and we all got our hands dirty!

That's a real time dad teaching experience which I feel really good about.

Best,
love dad

PS: Both my dad book and chalk drawing book are on the 'best seller" list @ Best Seller Blurb.com

www.theartofbeingadad.com

www.reenchantingtheworldthroughart.org

•

A Letter to My Youngest Daughter

2009-06-20T16:15:00.000-07:00

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A few days ago I triggered after I asked my kid to help out in the morning, clean up, move into action, we all needed her help. She basically said "no, I only go at one speed." This is the letter I wrote her later. She still said she only had one speed, I said that didn't sound like she had much choice, no freedom there. I wonder where she learned that?

Darn it it Zoe, I feel angry! After I dropped off RG I realized I was feeling angry about how the morning went, asking you for kitchen help and how I felt you blew me off. In the kitchen, after you said you were only going to move at one pace, after I had asked you for the 2nd time, I closed down and withdrew from being in relationship with you.

That’s not what I want. I want to be connected with you and feel like we are a team together, you and me, and also all of us as family in the house. If it were me, as a kid, when a parent asked for help & support, asked me to jump in and do the chores that were mine to do, I’d move into action and double time it to get the jobs done. Why?, to show my support for others, because I could do that, and because I know it would be good for everyone. That’s me. I do that with your mom, when she asks, I jump in and support her. I know how to be proactive and ask her what’s the best way I can support her now – she loves that. She feels supported and that’s important for her, maybe the most important thing. For her it shows that she is loved. I didn’t feel supported by you this morning.

You came back into the kitchen with a “dad help dishwasher card.” You said you would do the sink and top, you I could do the dishwashers. You gave me more work than you, AND you left without doing anything, saying there wasn’t time. You’re mom’s class was coming in, house cleaners coming later, I then did all the dishes. I want to live in a house where everyone puts good energy into the family, into supporting the inner workings of the house so that everyone feels supported and connected.

I invite you, to be more proactive. I encourage you to be able to move at several different paces when you need to. I want to be better at expressing my anger, not at you, just express it as me, as your dad, as a parent when it’s appropriate. We could talk negative sanctions - forfeit your allowance, take away listening to books, reading books, TV, computer - for a week or until your are ready to contribute house work wise?

Still love you, you are a great kid, and come on…. There are things to fight me on but not this one. What did it serve you this morning? Did you get what you wanted?

LOVE,
Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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And You Don't Even Need to Go Far

2009-06-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

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My wife, Laurie Wagner is a writer. Years ago she wrote a piece about how dads have to be more creative because they just couldn't pull out a breast and feed their baby and put them to sleep. She wrote about how I'd take the kids out into the front yard to explore and how one day I found a salamander.

Well I found another salamander recently. It brought back memories about that long journey, those long days and nights with really little people, dependent on their parents for just about everything. Now I leave my 11 year old at the cafe, after we ordered, after I told the waitress that I was leaving and where I was going and that I would be back soon (Longs), after I asked my daughter if she'd like to come with me or stay, after she said she wanted to stay and wished she'd brought her book, after she said yes to the waitress who offered her crayons and paper to color with.

We then went to the movies and saw UP. Sweet story of an elderly man and a young boy on an adventure. Well done.

My wife left town again for 3 days to go to Colorado to see her best friend's book signing. Lisa Jones just published her first book, Broken.

That leaves me solo dad. My older girl has been away on a 4 day sleepover 8th grade field trip so the house has been pretty quiet since the younger one is a bookworm and rereading the 3rd or 4th Twilight book for the second time - its at least 2 in. thick.

house taken from front yard

Salamanders in the front yard, the word is an amazing place and you don't even have to go far.

The Art of Being A Dad - the First Seven Years

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Welcome to Your Front Yard

2009-05-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

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I was telling and friend (also dad of two little kids) about my youngest daughter. A few months ago I noticed that she was staying inside a lot. Reading big thick fantasy books, totally getting lost in them, eating them up, hanging out in bed, for toooo long.

I was home alone with her on the weekend and noticed this happening and something felt off, something bugged me about it. It occurred to me that one of my jobs as a dad was to get her outside and connected to nature. I grew up in rural PA where we basically lived outside and only came in to eat and sleep, other than that it was the woods and unlimited adventures.

I basically forced her outside. The first thing I noticed was that she was looking into the corners of the yard. I had the hunch and ask if she was afraid there might be "insects" out there, she said yes. Then I said, "you don't know what to do in your own front yard do you?" and she answered "no."

I couldn't believe that this was my kid. Did I go wrong somewhere? Maybe it was my wife's fault (ha!). How did I get a kid who didn't know how to be in here own yard? I put into action a new house rule - 15 minutes a day outside in your own yard. I could be with her at times but it wasn't about me entertaining her, it was about her getting to know her own yard and figuring out what to do all by herself.

At first she was not a happy camper. But with TV, computer games, email, and even reading coming only available after her 15 minutes, she let down her defenses and went out. Taking the dog with her was a good idea, non-human company.

I sense it was a good call on my part. My wife wouldn't of ever noticed it or thought it important, but since I did she went along with the plan.

Welcome to Your Front Yard.

Art of Being A Dad
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Uncomfortable About Being Uncomfortable

2009-05-06T16:16:00.000-07:00

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boy I meet at a chalk drawing festival

I wonder what it would be like to have a son? I have 2 girls, now 11 and almost 14. I was walking with a young teenage boy from our car pool the other day. My teenage girl is cool, she really is, but this young man was also cool, in a guy way. I even told he that I wondered what it would be like to have a son, he said it would be cool!

There is a family vacation in Hawaii happening in June. I wasn't going to go because of work but things have changed and it looks like I am going to go. But going to Hawaii for almost 2 weeks with SIX girls is.... daunting. One girl is my wife, the others are my kid's friends. That would be three 5th graders and two 8th graders just starting summer break. But being a DAD and HUSBAND I figured I should go, make sure everyone is safe and sound before I take off on numerous adventures exploring and not being around so many girls.

Last Sat. night was a sleepover for the teenagers. Two other girls came over who are...shy. I know that teenagers are "uncomfortable about being uncomfortable." My daughter sat down and mentioned that the silence was uncomfortable so I started to talk about a cool creative BMW ad I'd seen at the movies, The Art of Driving. My daughter just started to laugh, almost uncontrollably - hum... now I felt uncomfortable, how odd. She later said she didn't even know why.

And then there are the new shoes and dresses for elementary and middle school graduations. Where is my dog and truck?

I do hang out with lots of men and several of us are beginning to support events that young men are doing - that will be good medicine for this man with no boys.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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2009-04-29T08:06:00.001-07:00

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What wasn't working? Me daily reminding the kids to practice their guitar, for if I didn't, they wouldn't. I was tired of this, reminding them everyday, I was done. I wanted to empower them to do it for themselves. This is what we agreed on.

New Deal: They would practice 6 x 15 minutes/week. They could do 15 minutes a day or they could do an hour and 1/2 at one time - one day. If they completed this new agreement, they could have their technology the next week - ipods, computers (for anything other than homework), TV, and cell phone (the older one).

I have been a solo day for really the last 6 weeks. My wife's dad passed away and she's been in LA for weeks. And the time she was here, before he passed she wasn't really here, so I picked up all the kids stuff I could so she could do what she needed to.

Well guess how the first week of the experiment went? No one practiced at all! Ha.... that's crazy! SO they lost their privileges for the week.

SO this week - so far. The younger one will probably make it. The older one hasn't practiced once - can you believe that, and she's the cell phone facebook myspace email socialite. Go figure.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Silence & Boundaries after 2500 Miles

2009-04-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

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I am being a solo dad for about two weeks while my wife is in LA supporting her family after her father passed away.

Sat. AM I drove back from LA for the 4th time in a month - the kids and I figured that combined was about 36 hours of driving - oh my back. Luckily we had a book on tape that caught our attention - The Nation by Terry Pratchett. A young adult story about 2 kids from different worlds lost on an island together.

The drive is long and long and long, it's basically 5 1/2 hours @ 75mph on a straight, straight, straight road that goes through the central valley of California. I got home and eventually made it to the gym's hot tub, a place where I know God lives, it's one of my churches. Back at home, the older kid took of for a sleep-over and I just crashed on a chair writing in my journal about the last few days, the memorial service, all the people who showed up. At the service alone there was close to 1000 people giving their respect.

An interesting note about my father-in-law. He was a world-giver and always supported the under-dog in other cultures and politics. He was also a difficult man to get close to and his immediate family felt this the most. By getting sick and then dying, he came home in a way that they had always wanted, his children bonded in ways they always wanted, and there was a great deal of deep healing for everyone. It was truly a beautiful thing.

Back to Sat. night and being exhausted. My younger daughter wanted to watch a movie, get on the computer, do something with me. I sensed she wanted to be distracted. I told her I was so tired I was just going to write and be quiet and if she wanted to read, draw, she was welcomed to hang out with me. I didn't think she needed a movie or computer, I sensed otherwise. She didn't like this at all and got upset.

Her god-father had recently given her a bag of presents, inside were a new unopened deck of cards called Self-Care Cards by Cheryl Richardson. She didn't want them and I kept em. They were on the table, I opened them up and before I shuffled them I fanned them out in my hands and invited my daughter to pick one.

She picked SILENCE. It read, "Rest your mind. Silence is good self-care." She instantly said, " I don't like this card!" We picked a few more cards, one for mom, her sister, me, and one for us. I picked TENDERNESS. It read, "Speak gently to yourself. Cherish the child within." The card we picked together was BOUNDARIES. It read, " Set boundaries. Protect your precious time and energy."

The next hour or so was pretty messed up. My daughter would just not drop in, she got more and more desperate to have something external help her escape. I felt it, felt her pain, and didn't have it in me to fix her. I kept inviting her to join me on the couch. She tried, cried, begged, called mom in LA. I kept clear, healthy boundaries. I even gave myself a timeout so I wouldn't get triggered and get angry. In the end she fell asleep early laying on the couch, laying on the dog. That was good for everyone.

I was glad I let her work it through. It was very difficult to not get triggered, or to give in when my truth was that I was exhausted and if I did, it would of been a lie, or if I just let her disappear into TV or a TV show on the computer, it would of been a cop-out.

The Art of Being A Dad

www.theartofbeingadad.com

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Homage to my Dad-in-Law

2009-04-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

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Walter (Wally) Nathan Marks II passed over yesterday from cancer, surrounded by his loving family. It was a beautiful and amazing experience for me, my wife (his oldest kid), and my girls. He gave a lot for the world and always supported the underdog. He was also a reclusive man who enjoyed a piano and many newspapers.

Monday morning I drove home with one kid (the other had a different spring break week). We left at 1am, just happened that way, I had planned to sleep but my body had another idea. 5 1/2 hours later we arrived in the Bay Area from LA. My older daughter stayed at her grandparent's house where we had all been camping out. Wally had slipped into a coma several days ago.

The amazing thing was that his 50th wedding anniversary. We had a beautiful ceremony and then Wally passed on the next day. The cool thing was that my oldest kid (almost 14) wanted to be there, wanted to be in the room, she kept coming back in while we all took turns sitting with him. She even spent time with him alone.

I talked to her yesterday. She said that she, and everyone else were in the room as he took his last breath. She said she later touched him, "I've never touched a dead person, and it was my grandfather!" I told her what she had just learned over the last week was equal to a college education - and it could only be learned by her showing up in the way that she did!

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Making Fires and Using Sharp Tools

2009-04-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

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For the last 14 years, I have been in dad mode daily. I have co-parented as a freelance artist who is married to a freelance writer. I worked many late nights as everyone was sleeping, and in the early days changed diapers and got the baby bottles warmed to feed the little people.

This weekend my wife was away visiting her father who is passing away from cancer - blessings to everyone! I stayed home with the kids who are now basically teenagers - 2 girls. I have been aware that my time as dad is coming to a close. I should say a certain phase of my being a dad is ending. The best way to describe it is where the girls are beginning to go/grow. They are moving into a place where dad's don't go, where dad's can't go, they are going into the world of young women.

I am turning them over to their mom, to the social and hormone world of girls, shopping, fashion, bras, emotions, and make-up.

I will still and always be dad.

Over the weekend I helped them start a fire and use sharp tools. The younger one wanted to make a fire outside in our fire pit - sure go for it! She started to ask questions, someone recently called them "dumb" questions. How much wood, how much paper, etc... She has made plenty of fires. I invited her to answer these questions for herself through direct experience. She doesn't like when I do this but I know I will do her a dis-service if I tell her step by step how to do it. I was near by and did offer my suggestions when I saw that it would benefit her and the learning process and her becoming independant, confident, and self reliant.

The older one was working on a science project. I set her up with an matte knife, steel ruler, cardboard, and gave her a cutting careful with a sharp tool lesson and let her go at it. Very cool.

I am also asking them to each make a meal per week, and check this out.... my new idea of not having to remind them "every day" to practice their guitar. Over the week they have 6 slots of 15 minutes to practice to fill up. If they do that they can use technology next week (computers, ipods, ect..), if not, you get the picture. This week is the trail, so far they have failed miserably.

"The Art of Being A Dad"
TOOLBOX
130 Tips, Tools, Tricks of the Trade

1. Whole Start. Before you conceive or soon afterwards, get out into nature by yourself. Spend some time alone, take a road trip, a walk. Imagine that you are taking care of business and connecting with something deeper, wider, and greater than yourself. Ask the powers that be to have healthy kids, ask to be a great dad, ask for help because you will definitely need it later.

2. Celebrate becoming a dad. Do something special for yourself to celebrate becoming a dad. Use the time when baby is inside mom in a significant way. It may appear that all the work is happening inside mom while she is pregnant, but there is a great deal happening inside of you too.

3. Feel connected. Do something to help you feel connected to your baby while they are still in mom’s belly. I lit a candle and kept one burning the entire time of our pregnancy as a way for me to symbolically hold the light for my baby and feel connected.

4. Be the ground at the birth. Both mom and baby need you to be fully present during the birth. Breathe slowly, feel your feet on the floor, keep your eyes open, it’s a once in a lifetime experience.

5. Don’t take it personally. You may feel ignored or not needed during the intensity of labor. Trust that everyone is doing what they need to do and your job is to support and do what your partner needs you to do.

6. Who are they? If you pay attention as your child is born you may be able to get a sense of who they are. And any good stories you gather then you will be able to tell to your kids for the rest of their lives.

7. Not about you. Helpful hint: The next few years are NOT going to be about you. Most of the core bonding happens with mom and baby. Your time will come later when it’s you that they want and need.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Honoring Our Dads

2009-03-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

My wife's father is very sick with cancer, it's sad and real. I honor him and his journey. I honor him for being a dad to 4 kids, one being his older daughter, my wife. It is difficult to see her struggling in how to be with all of this. My job is to be solid, take care of the home fort while she goes to visit and be with him.

My dad is also not well. So I bless these men who have been so important in our lives. One day it will be my turn to move on.

To life - To Death!
~M

me, my dad and his dad.

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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Men, Women, and Kids

2009-03-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

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I stay up late and work at home. The place is quiet, I can focus and work uninterrupted for hours, I love that. Today is Weds., it my dad day, meaning mom is out of here, all day.

I just did a weekend workshop with around 170 men. Different men; biker dudes, guys out of prison on parole, young guys out of gangs, business men, artists, and lots of contractors - certainly an interesting mix. It was an intense and wonderful weekend, changed my life in more ways than I expected. Many things about relationship with women, and being men.

I really got to look at the term "the feminized male" which is basically a man who was raised by women who missed out on being raised by a man - big difference. I have some of that but have done much personal work that I am pretty balanced and certainly able and enjoy hanging with many men of all types.

I was sleeping in this morning, after I had gotten my youngest girl up to shower and told her she's on her own for breakfast and making her lunch (which is usual on dad day), and that she should wake me up before she leaves. Her older sister is in bed sick and staying home today. Mom comes in to wake me up, anger in her vioice, triggered by something. She tells me that my daughter needs me in the kitchen.... to just to be with her.

Hum... when I check in with my daughter and we talk, she said mom "put words into her mouth." She was actually fine and doing what she was asked and needed to do. She's a moody and sluggish kid in the morning anyway.
I wanted her to experience being independent this morning. Part of my dad teachings.

I learned more for this weekend that women are more emotional and that I can just let them be and not get triggered for trying to correct them - that's a no win situation. To just be empowered and not engage emotionally in those few moments was priceless.

I realize my time is coming to an end in what I can teach my girls. They are becoming full students of my wife and that is none of my business. I do still have a job to be their dad, to teach them things about the world; how to use tools, connect to nature, and learn about men by being an example, for I know the partner they pick (straight or gay) is deeply molded by part of me, who I am, what I do, and how I am being.

~M

Image from The Art of Being A Dad (the first seven years).
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One of Those Dad Things We Do

2009-03-09T22:13:00.001-07:00

She said, " You take me to all these places thinking I will like them and I don't and I don't like that you do that!" I said, "I hear you, and it's just one of the things that dads do, we hope something might click."

Soon after wards I stopped at a climbing gym in Berkeley, just to take a peek... because it was there. I knew what she was thinking.... another dad thing he'll hope I like. We stayed for awhile, until she was ready to leave, it was longer than either of us thought. Sweet!

Book: The Art of Being A Dad

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Dark, Muddy, and Happy

2009-03-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

I couldn't help but write again. My girls have a natural tendency to bicker and nag on each other at home - it's a real drag, remember I basically now have young teenage girls. I notice they also have a tendency to stay inside. Maybe it's a girl thing, I think it's also a suburban thing which I feel sad about. I grew up in rural PA and basically was outside as much as possible, there were no street corners or fenced in properties, it was woods and corn fields.

Today is my dad day. Every Weds. (and it's been this way for years) is my day to be dad, and my wife's day to not be mom - for the whole day. Tomorrow I am off, it's a non-dad day for me. So being a king of the house tonight I said let's get out of here, really knowing the dog had been inside also way too much in all this rain.

Nearby is a place where we can let the dog off the leash, let the kids off the leash, it's by water (we live on an island off the coast of Oakland CA). So in the dark the kids made up a game around large rocks and muddy grass. They played for a long time, they got really muddy, they even took off their shoes and socks and kept playing. They were not fighting and I was happy, they were happy, the dog was happy. Sweet

Welcome to Dadville

2009-03-04T11:03:00.000-08:00

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Hello, finally getting up my dad blog inspired by finally self publishing / on demand my first book,
"The Art of Being A Dad."

I am going to be posting sections of the book over time and also talking, sharing about what it's like now with my two girls 11 and going on 14. Whew....

Stay tuned
~Mark

www.theartofbeingadad.com
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